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Keep the faith

The title of this blogpost is kind of ironic to me, I’ve thought about changing it a lot but it just covers all I want to say with it. First and foremost: I don’t mean believing in god or annaturaly kind of deity (however, if that works for you, go for it!). But lately I’ve been thinking about the changes I would like to see in myself and it does come down to keeping the faith. Like I said, not faith in a god but faith that everything will turn out ok. The root of my tendency to overthink every single thing stems from being scared. And my fears vary from being afraid of groups of strange people and being bullied to not being good enough. And lately my fears evolve around if I’m doing the right thing for my son and my love. For my little family.

The thing that I always come back to when I realise I’m overthinking is that I have to keep the faith that it will be ok. Sure, some fears can actually come true. My son can get sick, I can get bullied, teased or feel tiny or alone all over again and even my love can get hurt. But what I’ve learned from the years of being bullied is that there always comes a new day. There is always the possibility to start over and get things right. From time to time I have to take a hurdle, be it a small one or a big one. And from time to time I feel like I can’t take that hurdle. That it’s a mountain and I’m not strong enough to climb it and be victorious. But people are resilient and I’ve found that I am resilient too, even more than I think. I got a bit scarred and bruised here and there. Walls have been built to protect me, torn down because they didn’t suffice and some walls got built up again. But at some stage or another I always got to the point in my life where I could relax, exhale, see the world around me and realise that my life is pretty darn good.

So lately that is what I’ve been thinking when I have to stop myself from worrying: no matter what, I have to keep the faith that everything will turn out ok. If I work for it, if I give it my all then I will come to a result that is acceptable for me. Or even just plain good. Somehow that mantra works for me. Everything will be ok. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but it will be ok. And then I let it go. Well, usually. Most of the time. Ok, sometimes. Sometimes I can let it go.

happyabouttoday

But let’s be honest: letting fears go and not wrecking your brain over every little thing can be hard work. It’s difficult and thinking about fears, for a lot of people, has become second nature. It can feel like someone is asking you not to breathe for an hour. worrying is not something you turn on and off, it kinda creeps up on you when you don’t expect it. And especially when you don’t need it. It’s funny how our brain works. When we’re not in a positive mindset somehow our brain has this need to just add a little more oil to that damn worry-fire. Because when you’re already feeling glum, somehow your brain just says “hey, and have you thought about how this-and-that can go wrong too??!? Go on, ponder some more about how your life is going to hell!!!”.
Yeah, thanks brain.

So, how about you. Do you ever take a step back and think “hey, so far in life I’ve run into problems but it always worked itself out somehow”. Or is that something you don’t believe in? Let me know in the comments!

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Preparing for disappointment

When I told you about my little waste of creativity, by worrying about things, I also talked about it with friends and colleagues. It’s funny how some theme’s in your life suddenly seem to go around everywhere. A lot of people around me are dealing with the same thing. I was having a conversation with someone and she is dealing with a break-up and she had a lot of negative thoughts about it, even though most things are actually going pretty smooth. So yes, it is a tragic situation that no person wants to deal with, but it was all going very civil and nice.
When we talked about her negative thoughts about it, she told me she usually thought of all the things that could go wrong, to shield herself from being disappointed or hurt. And that’s when it hit me: that’s why I do that too. And I could also tell myself that thinking up every possible scenario that could go wrong was not the answer. Not at all.

It got me thinking: why do we do that? Why do we try to prepare ourselves for something bad? Does it make the blow to the gut less if we brace ourselves? Maybe, in some situations, it will work that way. But doesn’t it also make you gloomy about something that actually turns out alright? Is it worth getting all upset, anxious or worried about something that might not happen? Does it make the blow less hard or does it put a little film of anxiousness over your life?
And a little voice in my head also wonders: if you worry up front about everything, does that shield you from disappointment or does it create a little sore of negativity in your soul, that can only fester and eat away. Maybe even create the kind of person that is heavy hearted and prone to feeling depressed and alone? Doesn’t thinking about the possible negatives also take away the shine of all the things that can be so beautiful in life? I recognise so much in what she said! And at the same time I felt like I don’t want to do that anymore. Because bracing myself for being hurt never actually made the hurt less. It might even even made it worse because it was a confirmation of my fears, and it made the fears for the future even bigger. I’m fully aware of how life can suck from time to time. But I’d actually much rather be surprised by a sucky moment every now and then, than to let it be an affirmation of my negativity.

worry-is-the-darkroom
What do you guys think. Does it make it better when you already thought of something that could hurt you? Do you think it helps you to be ready for any sort of pain or does it just take away the spark of the beauty that is (or can be) life?

I’m wasting my creativity

Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve done a blog. I’ve been thinking about doing more makeup but I’m just not into it right now. There’s a good thing I called my blog “Lisanne blogt” when I made it, keeping in mind that maybe I would want to take my blog to another place some day. Maybe I’ll return to the makeup blogging some day but right now my mind is occupied with other things.
As you could read in my last blogpost I became a mum about 6 months ago and it’s been great. Mind boggling. Energy draining and somehow still the best thing I could ever go through.

It’s funny how your priorities shift from one day to another when you have a child. Most parents out there will tell you the clichΓ© “it’s a life changing experience” and I think clichΓ©’s are usually true. This one sure is for me. When I had Ivar, suddenly I had this huge feeling of responsibility and wanting only the best I could give for this little one. And it has made me do a lot of soul searching, to be honest.

You see, for a lot of people I look very confident. People usually act surprised when I tell them about aaaaaaall my insecurities, but like all humans I have them too. A lot. Seriously, a lot! As a matter of fact, I think I waste a lot of time feeding my insecurities with a feeling of never being just good enough. I usually aim for big goals, sometimes unachievable goals. And it has made me push myself into getting places and realising stuff I never felt I could do. So it’s not all negative.
But aiming for the top also makes it very easy to feel like I’ve failed, especially when I come close to that top I’ve aimed for but just didn’t reach it to the full. But most of the time that little “over achiever” in me helps to push through. For example: A couple of years ago I got donththinktoomuchso sick and tired of being afraid of groups of strange people. I’ve had that fear for years after being bullied at a very young age. Technically I know I’m good enough to be respected by others. But put me in a group of strangers and I can easily turn into a scared little mouse, just wanting to crawl away in the corner. Because at that moment I’m sure people look down on me for some reason or another. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. So in a moment of sheer stupidity I told my boss at work that I wanted to become a trainer to help colleagues deal with the violence we come across in our line of work. I figured exposure to groups of strange people, that I had to train and tell how to deal with certain situations, would help me get over this irrational fear I had.
Boy, was I sorry I opened my big mouth! When I actually had to do the trainings I was scared shitless. Not only did I have to train strangers but I also had to get educated for it. And that means other people (who are better than me, because they are already fully capable of doing what I want to be doing) judge me if I do something right or not. Being judged is maybe the root of all my fears. You have no idea how many tears I’ve shed, knots in my stomach I had to struggle with and tell myself over and over again that I would live through this day. I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Maybe months. I think I thought about quitting for about once every day. Maybe twice. For years. Telling myself not to quit and to get over myself every single time.

And you know what? I do the trainings now. Yesterday I completely forgot and my fellow trainer called me if I was still coming. So I rushed over, walked into the (very full, I might add) room, got in front of all those people and just told them who I was, why I was late and apoligised. Figuring if I would apoligize it would just have to be enough for them to forgive me. And also figuring if they would still judge me on a negative note about it, that would just be their problem.
It’s funny how a person can learn and change. I was thinking about how scared I would have beeen of that group of people a couple of years ago. And this experience of teaching and training others has really given me another feeling of self worth.

But I’m not done yet. Oh no sir! Because here comes the kicker: I now realise I still waste loads of time a day worrying. My focus had just shifted to other things. Guess what my focus is now on? That’s right: my little boy! I worry about everything. Every. Single. Thing. How much he eats, if he eats enough, if he doesn’t eat too much. Why he still won’t take the damn mouthful of mushed veggies, like every baby his age I know. If he sleeps enough. If he doesn’t sleep too much. Why he’s so fussy on some days. Why I can’t always keep my temper. If I have a good bond with him. If he doesn’t resent me for getting pissed off when he poops all over all his clothes when we are JUST about to leave the house for an appointment. If he’ll hate me forever for trying the veggies/fruit bite every day even though I know I have to. The list goes on and on. Trust me, I cut it short for this blogpost.

And then it hit me: cut it out!!!!! My love is so relaxed when he is around our son. He’s the best dad I could ever wish for, and the best partner. Because we are a lot alike but with these matters, he’s much more level headed. We had so many talks about these weird worries I have. Because it spoils the time I have with this little one, especially while he is still little. He grows up so fast and this worrying I do just places a dark cloud over everything.
And if he was wasn’t growing well of not developing the way he should I would actually have something to worry about. But there isn’t. He’s doing so unbelievably well even the doctors that usually check babies his age every 2 months tell us we can skip the next appointment and just come back for his vaccinations at 11 months. And they litterally tell us we’re doing fantastic and they rarely see parents so relaxed and well bonded with their little one.
So there you have it. I’m nuts. πŸ˜‰

And that’s when I figured I’d start blogging about this crazy thing I do. I hope I’m going to learn to let this stuff go and just be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad or anxious about. Maybe some people know what it’s like to abuse their creativity for the bad things and maybe they like to read some of my thoughts about it. Maybe it can give just one person a feeling of recognition and not being the only freak out there who get’s their mind clouded with negativity, when there is just so most positive to see.
Maybe nobody want’s to read this, then this is just going to turn into a very public diary, haha. At least I’ll update and that’s more than I’ve done in the last couple of months.

Is this something you do too? Do you ever find yourself thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and afterwards realising NONE of them actually came true?
Let me know in the comments!

things-you-worry-about

No time for make-up right now…

I think most people already figured out why there are no updates. I’ve been writing about being pregnant a little in the past updates and that’s the reason why I’ve been completely silent: our son is born!

Ivar in zijn wieg
It’s been 2,5 weeks now and we’re getting the hang of this parenting/baby caring thing. And since I have some time now that he is asleep, I figured I’d write a little blogpost about why there are no updates right now and there won’t be any for some time to come. πŸ™‚

It’s been a very hectic time and even though you know a lot of emotional stuff is coming your way when your child is born, I don’t think you’re ever fully prepared for it until you’ve been there. And I’m not even mentioning the hormones. Ever heard of so-called momnesia or mummy brain? Look it up, it’s a real thing and let me just tell you: it blows. Thank the lords of glitter it’s starting to fade away and I can actually think on my own again. Well, a little bit.

Anyway, his name is Ivar. He is in good health and so am I and that’s the most important thing.

Right now my mind isn’t into makeup at all, maybe after a few weeks I’ll get the urge to slap some colour on my face again. The most exciting thing I do right now, make-up wise, is some blush, concealer and mascara. And I’m totally ok with that. So I hope to glitter away in some time but don’t count on it for at least another month. We all need time to get used to each other and our new lives. If you have any questions at all about any of this, just write them in the comments and I’ll gladly answer them.
I don’t know if I’ll write about life with the baby in the future, maybe but maybe I’ll just keep my blog about makeup.
Time will tell. πŸ™‚

Some of my latest looks

I’ve decided to do some updates with a summary of the latest looks I made, I’m going to link to my page if you click on the look so you can see more of the pictures I made of it. I hope that way I reach some more people. Another advantage of putting the looks here on my blog is that I can add them to pinterest. I’ll also do a little personal update at the end of this blogpost. If you don’t want to read random stuff about my life, makeup, my pregnancy or anything like that, just look at the pretty pictures and skip the text below, mmkay?

I told you a long time ago about the Garden Of Eden palette I got from Enchantra. I still use that palette a lot because I’ve been doing a lot more neutral or brown looks lately. I don’t know why. I used to think those looks are kinda boring but these days it’s basically one of my go-to colours for a makeup look.

What I liked about this look is that I finally managed to make a look with white on the waterline. Well, I made those in the past but when I got to the fullface pictures it always looked weird for some reason. And it wasn’t just me, you guys also commented it looked strange, lol. Thanks for that! Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s good to hear feedback like that and to know my eyes are not actually deceiving me.
The brown colour in this palette is a very warm shade and I really like that.

Forbidden Paradise

Next is the first look I made with Sugarpill’s Olivia, I also used some of the dark brown colours from my Kat von D Saint palette, which I still adore.
Olivia is a Limited Edition pigment in a stunning olive green tone, it also has some gold in it. I’ve used it in a lot of looks and I’m so happy I got it in my stash now.

I linked this picture to my album on Facebook because I editted the pictured to add a description and somehow that way you lose the timeline update. as a whole. Very weird, but hey… lessons learned . πŸ™‚

Saint Olivia

This look was made with some of my all time favourite blue/green colours. It has MAC Steamy in it, Sugarpill Magpie and subterranean. But they blended into each other so well that I can’t actually pinpoint one colour from another.
I really like the combination though, gives a cool gradient, dont you think?

Subterranean Steam

This look was just for the fun of it. I wanted to do something really green again (Supergreen!) and just threw together some stuff I had, together with Eye Kandy Cosmetics glitters to give it that extra emerald sparkle. It didn’t really work out as charing as I had in mind but that’s ok. It was fun to play with. πŸ™‚

Emerald

This look is actually pretty old, well, just a couple of months old. I was still waiting for Sugarpill Olivia to arrive in my mailbox and I tried to find a colour in my stash that was a bit similar. I found it in Gosh Apple Jam pigment, although it’s not really the same. The colour combination turned out nice though, I really like this one!

I had to link back to the Facebook album again instead of the status update. That was pretty much the last time I screwed that up, I promise!

Apple Smoothie

This look was also made with the Kat von D Saint palette, I added some Sugarpill Goldilux for sparkly fun. Almost all of these colours have shimmer and I really like that about it. I don’t have a lot to say about this one, it’s just nice but not extraordinary in my humble opinion.

Saint

This is my latest update, I did this one a couple of hours before I wrote this blogpost. It’s the first look IΒ  used on my Facebook page with my brand spankin’ new W7 palette called In The Buff. It’s a dupe for the Urban Decay Naked 2 palette.
Well, it’s not a complete and total dupe because some colours are slightly different and the casing of the palette supposedly is not as good as the original. But for the price difference of at lease 20 euro’s, I’m more than prepared to accept those differences. And it’s a good palette to quench that thirst for brown and neutral looks I’ve been having lately.

Shopping Spree

That’s it as far as makeup look updates on my Facebook page. I hope you liked these looks!

As far as for me, I’ve been going through a rollercoaster lately. I’m 12 weeks pregnant now and it’s been exciting but also a bit scary. Such responsibility!
I’m one of those people that tends to worry about a lot of things, especially when I’m doing something for the first time. And having a baby… well, that’s huge! So I’m trying my best to think about the fun and happy stuff. πŸ™‚ I guess it’s because of everything that’s happening but probably also the hormones because I’ve been dreaming the craziest stuff lately and usually I wake up with a heavy heart because I even worry in my dreams. Stupid, huh? It’s difficult to let go of all the daily stuff when you go to bed if you know you’re just going to have more weird ass emotional turmoil once you lay your head down. But it’s ok, I’m getting a grip on all that and I’m sure it will all work out fine eventually.

I haven’t had vacation yet and my love and I also didn’t have vacation last year because we had a new kitchen installed. But just 5 more days of hard work and then I finally have 20 full days of blissfull nothing! I’m starting to feel drained and I’m just so excited to go on vacation with 2 great friends of ours. It’s going to be so much fun! It’s also going to be strange not being ablt to drink alcohol on vacation, though. I’m a real sucker for having a nice beer or wine on a terrace somewhere and I guess I’ll just have to stick to non alcoholic beverages this time. It’s not a problem of course but it’ll take some adjusting to my normal routine. But hey, if it means my baby and I are both healthy that’s more than worth it.

Please let me know your thoughts on these looks or on this personal stuff in the comments. I’m curious to know what you think. πŸ˜€

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