I’m wasting my creativity
Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve done a blog. I’ve been thinking about doing more makeup but I’m just not into it right now. There’s a good thing I called my blog “Lisanne blogt” when I made it, keeping in mind that maybe I would want to take my blog to another place some day. Maybe I’ll return to the makeup blogging some day but right now my mind is occupied with other things.
As you could read in my last blogpost I became a mum about 6 months ago and it’s been great. Mind boggling. Energy draining and somehow still the best thing I could ever go through.
It’s funny how your priorities shift from one day to another when you have a child. Most parents out there will tell you the cliché “it’s a life changing experience” and I think cliché’s are usually true. This one sure is for me. When I had Ivar, suddenly I had this huge feeling of responsibility and wanting only the best I could give for this little one. And it has made me do a lot of soul searching, to be honest.
You see, for a lot of people I look very confident. People usually act surprised when I tell them about aaaaaaall my insecurities, but like all humans I have them too. A lot. Seriously, a lot! As a matter of fact, I think I waste a lot of time feeding my insecurities with a feeling of never being just good enough. I usually aim for big goals, sometimes unachievable goals. And it has made me push myself into getting places and realising stuff I never felt I could do. So it’s not all negative.
But aiming for the top also makes it very easy to feel like I’ve failed, especially when I come close to that top I’ve aimed for but just didn’t reach it to the full. But most of the time that little “over achiever” in me helps to push through. For example: A couple of years ago I got so sick and tired of being afraid of groups of strange people. I’ve had that fear for years after being bullied at a very young age. Technically I know I’m good enough to be respected by others. But put me in a group of strangers and I can easily turn into a scared little mouse, just wanting to crawl away in the corner. Because at that moment I’m sure people look down on me for some reason or another. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. So in a moment of sheer stupidity I told my boss at work that I wanted to become a trainer to help colleagues deal with the violence we come across in our line of work. I figured exposure to groups of strange people, that I had to train and tell how to deal with certain situations, would help me get over this irrational fear I had.
Boy, was I sorry I opened my big mouth! When I actually had to do the trainings I was scared shitless. Not only did I have to train strangers but I also had to get educated for it. And that means other people (who are better than me, because they are already fully capable of doing what I want to be doing) judge me if I do something right or not. Being judged is maybe the root of all my fears. You have no idea how many tears I’ve shed, knots in my stomach I had to struggle with and tell myself over and over again that I would live through this day. I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Maybe months. I think I thought about quitting for about once every day. Maybe twice. For years. Telling myself not to quit and to get over myself every single time.
And you know what? I do the trainings now. Yesterday I completely forgot and my fellow trainer called me if I was still coming. So I rushed over, walked into the (very full, I might add) room, got in front of all those people and just told them who I was, why I was late and apoligised. Figuring if I would apoligize it would just have to be enough for them to forgive me. And also figuring if they would still judge me on a negative note about it, that would just be their problem.
It’s funny how a person can learn and change. I was thinking about how scared I would have beeen of that group of people a couple of years ago. And this experience of teaching and training others has really given me another feeling of self worth.
But I’m not done yet. Oh no sir! Because here comes the kicker: I now realise I still waste loads of time a day worrying. My focus had just shifted to other things. Guess what my focus is now on? That’s right: my little boy! I worry about everything. Every. Single. Thing. How much he eats, if he eats enough, if he doesn’t eat too much. Why he still won’t take the damn mouthful of mushed veggies, like every baby his age I know. If he sleeps enough. If he doesn’t sleep too much. Why he’s so fussy on some days. Why I can’t always keep my temper. If I have a good bond with him. If he doesn’t resent me for getting pissed off when he poops all over all his clothes when we are JUST about to leave the house for an appointment. If he’ll hate me forever for trying the veggies/fruit bite every day even though I know I have to. The list goes on and on. Trust me, I cut it short for this blogpost.
And then it hit me: cut it out!!!!! My love is so relaxed when he is around our son. He’s the best dad I could ever wish for, and the best partner. Because we are a lot alike but with these matters, he’s much more level headed. We had so many talks about these weird worries I have. Because it spoils the time I have with this little one, especially while he is still little. He grows up so fast and this worrying I do just places a dark cloud over everything.
And if he was wasn’t growing well of not developing the way he should I would actually have something to worry about. But there isn’t. He’s doing so unbelievably well even the doctors that usually check babies his age every 2 months tell us we can skip the next appointment and just come back for his vaccinations at 11 months. And they litterally tell us we’re doing fantastic and they rarely see parents so relaxed and well bonded with their little one.
So there you have it. I’m nuts. 😉
And that’s when I figured I’d start blogging about this crazy thing I do. I hope I’m going to learn to let this stuff go and just be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad or anxious about. Maybe some people know what it’s like to abuse their creativity for the bad things and maybe they like to read some of my thoughts about it. Maybe it can give just one person a feeling of recognition and not being the only freak out there who get’s their mind clouded with negativity, when there is just so most positive to see.
Maybe nobody want’s to read this, then this is just going to turn into a very public diary, haha. At least I’ll update and that’s more than I’ve done in the last couple of months.
Is this something you do too? Do you ever find yourself thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and afterwards realising NONE of them actually came true?
Let me know in the comments!