Monthly Archives: October 2015

Keep the faith

The title of this blogpost is kind of ironic to me, I’ve thought about changing it a lot but it just covers all I want to say with it. First and foremost: I don’t mean believing in god or annaturaly kind of deity (however, if that works for you, go for it!). But lately I’ve been thinking about the changes I would like to see in myself and it does come down to keeping the faith. Like I said, not faith in a god but faith that everything will turn out ok. The root of my tendency to overthink every single thing stems from being scared. And my fears vary from being afraid of groups of strange people and being bullied to not being good enough. And lately my fears evolve around if I’m doing the right thing for my son and my love. For my little family.

The thing that I always come back to when I realise I’m overthinking is that I have to keep the faith that it will be ok. Sure, some fears can actually come true. My son can get sick, I can get bullied, teased or feel tiny or alone all over again and even my love can get hurt. But what I’ve learned from the years of being bullied is that there always comes a new day. There is always the possibility to start over and get things right. From time to time I have to take a hurdle, be it a small one or a big one. And from time to time I feel like I can’t take that hurdle. That it’s a mountain and I’m not strong enough to climb it and be victorious. But people are resilient and I’ve found that I am resilient too, even more than I think. I got a bit scarred and bruised here and there. Walls have been built to protect me, torn down because they didn’t suffice and some walls got built up again. But at some stage or another I always got to the point in my life where I could relax, exhale, see the world around me and realise that my life is pretty darn good.

So lately that is what I’ve been thinking when I have to stop myself from worrying: no matter what, I have to keep the faith that everything will turn out ok. If I work for it, if I give it my all then I will come to a result that is acceptable for me. Or even just plain good. Somehow that mantra works for me. Everything will be ok. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but it will be ok. And then I let it go. Well, usually. Most of the time. Ok, sometimes. Sometimes I can let it go.

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But let’s be honest: letting fears go and not wrecking your brain over every little thing can be hard work. It’s difficult and thinking about fears, for a lot of people, has become second nature. It can feel like someone is asking you not to breathe for an hour. worrying is not something you turn on and off, it kinda creeps up on you when you don’t expect it. And especially when you don’t need it. It’s funny how our brain works. When we’re not in a positive mindset somehow our brain has this need to just add a little more oil to that damn worry-fire. Because when you’re already feeling glum, somehow your brain just says “hey, and have you thought about how this-and-that can go wrong too??!? Go on, ponder some more about how your life is going to hell!!!”.
Yeah, thanks brain.

So, how about you. Do you ever take a step back and think “hey, so far in life I’ve run into problems but it always worked itself out somehow”. Or is that something you don’t believe in? Let me know in the comments!

Preparing for disappointment

When I told you about my little waste of creativity, by worrying about things, I also talked about it with friends and colleagues. It’s funny how some theme’s in your life suddenly seem to go around everywhere. A lot of people around me are dealing with the same thing. I was having a conversation with someone and she is dealing with a break-up and she had a lot of negative thoughts about it, even though most things are actually going pretty smooth. So yes, it is a tragic situation that no person wants to deal with, but it was all going very civil and nice.
When we talked about her negative thoughts about it, she told me she usually thought of all the things that could go wrong, to shield herself from being disappointed or hurt. And that’s when it hit me: that’s why I do that too. And I could also tell myself that thinking up every possible scenario that could go wrong was not the answer. Not at all.

It got me thinking: why do we do that? Why do we try to prepare ourselves for something bad? Does it make the blow to the gut less if we brace ourselves? Maybe, in some situations, it will work that way. But doesn’t it also make you gloomy about something that actually turns out alright? Is it worth getting all upset, anxious or worried about something that might not happen? Does it make the blow less hard or does it put a little film of anxiousness over your life?
And a little voice in my head also wonders: if you worry up front about everything, does that shield you from disappointment or does it create a little sore of negativity in your soul, that can only fester and eat away. Maybe even create the kind of person that is heavy hearted and prone to feeling depressed and alone? Doesn’t thinking about the possible negatives also take away the shine of all the things that can be so beautiful in life? I recognise so much in what she said! And at the same time I felt like I don’t want to do that anymore. Because bracing myself for being hurt never actually made the hurt less. It might even even made it worse because it was a confirmation of my fears, and it made the fears for the future even bigger. I’m fully aware of how life can suck from time to time. But I’d actually much rather be surprised by a sucky moment every now and then, than to let it be an affirmation of my negativity.

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What do you guys think. Does it make it better when you already thought of something that could hurt you? Do you think it helps you to be ready for any sort of pain or does it just take away the spark of the beauty that is (or can be) life?

I’m wasting my creativity

Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve done a blog. I’ve been thinking about doing more makeup but I’m just not into it right now. There’s a good thing I called my blog “Lisanne blogt” when I made it, keeping in mind that maybe I would want to take my blog to another place some day. Maybe I’ll return to the makeup blogging some day but right now my mind is occupied with other things.
As you could read in my last blogpost I became a mum about 6 months ago and it’s been great. Mind boggling. Energy draining and somehow still the best thing I could ever go through.

It’s funny how your priorities shift from one day to another when you have a child. Most parents out there will tell you the cliché “it’s a life changing experience” and I think cliché’s are usually true. This one sure is for me. When I had Ivar, suddenly I had this huge feeling of responsibility and wanting only the best I could give for this little one. And it has made me do a lot of soul searching, to be honest.

You see, for a lot of people I look very confident. People usually act surprised when I tell them about aaaaaaall my insecurities, but like all humans I have them too. A lot. Seriously, a lot! As a matter of fact, I think I waste a lot of time feeding my insecurities with a feeling of never being just good enough. I usually aim for big goals, sometimes unachievable goals. And it has made me push myself into getting places and realising stuff I never felt I could do. So it’s not all negative.
But aiming for the top also makes it very easy to feel like I’ve failed, especially when I come close to that top I’ve aimed for but just didn’t reach it to the full. But most of the time that little “over achiever” in me helps to push through. For example: A couple of years ago I got donththinktoomuchso sick and tired of being afraid of groups of strange people. I’ve had that fear for years after being bullied at a very young age. Technically I know I’m good enough to be respected by others. But put me in a group of strangers and I can easily turn into a scared little mouse, just wanting to crawl away in the corner. Because at that moment I’m sure people look down on me for some reason or another. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. So in a moment of sheer stupidity I told my boss at work that I wanted to become a trainer to help colleagues deal with the violence we come across in our line of work. I figured exposure to groups of strange people, that I had to train and tell how to deal with certain situations, would help me get over this irrational fear I had.
Boy, was I sorry I opened my big mouth! When I actually had to do the trainings I was scared shitless. Not only did I have to train strangers but I also had to get educated for it. And that means other people (who are better than me, because they are already fully capable of doing what I want to be doing) judge me if I do something right or not. Being judged is maybe the root of all my fears. You have no idea how many tears I’ve shed, knots in my stomach I had to struggle with and tell myself over and over again that I would live through this day. I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Maybe months. I think I thought about quitting for about once every day. Maybe twice. For years. Telling myself not to quit and to get over myself every single time.

And you know what? I do the trainings now. Yesterday I completely forgot and my fellow trainer called me if I was still coming. So I rushed over, walked into the (very full, I might add) room, got in front of all those people and just told them who I was, why I was late and apoligised. Figuring if I would apoligize it would just have to be enough for them to forgive me. And also figuring if they would still judge me on a negative note about it, that would just be their problem.
It’s funny how a person can learn and change. I was thinking about how scared I would have beeen of that group of people a couple of years ago. And this experience of teaching and training others has really given me another feeling of self worth.

But I’m not done yet. Oh no sir! Because here comes the kicker: I now realise I still waste loads of time a day worrying. My focus had just shifted to other things. Guess what my focus is now on? That’s right: my little boy! I worry about everything. Every. Single. Thing. How much he eats, if he eats enough, if he doesn’t eat too much. Why he still won’t take the damn mouthful of mushed veggies, like every baby his age I know. If he sleeps enough. If he doesn’t sleep too much. Why he’s so fussy on some days. Why I can’t always keep my temper. If I have a good bond with him. If he doesn’t resent me for getting pissed off when he poops all over all his clothes when we are JUST about to leave the house for an appointment. If he’ll hate me forever for trying the veggies/fruit bite every day even though I know I have to. The list goes on and on. Trust me, I cut it short for this blogpost.

And then it hit me: cut it out!!!!! My love is so relaxed when he is around our son. He’s the best dad I could ever wish for, and the best partner. Because we are a lot alike but with these matters, he’s much more level headed. We had so many talks about these weird worries I have. Because it spoils the time I have with this little one, especially while he is still little. He grows up so fast and this worrying I do just places a dark cloud over everything.
And if he was wasn’t growing well of not developing the way he should I would actually have something to worry about. But there isn’t. He’s doing so unbelievably well even the doctors that usually check babies his age every 2 months tell us we can skip the next appointment and just come back for his vaccinations at 11 months. And they litterally tell us we’re doing fantastic and they rarely see parents so relaxed and well bonded with their little one.
So there you have it. I’m nuts. 😉

And that’s when I figured I’d start blogging about this crazy thing I do. I hope I’m going to learn to let this stuff go and just be happy. Because there is nothing to be sad or anxious about. Maybe some people know what it’s like to abuse their creativity for the bad things and maybe they like to read some of my thoughts about it. Maybe it can give just one person a feeling of recognition and not being the only freak out there who get’s their mind clouded with negativity, when there is just so most positive to see.
Maybe nobody want’s to read this, then this is just going to turn into a very public diary, haha. At least I’ll update and that’s more than I’ve done in the last couple of months.

Is this something you do too? Do you ever find yourself thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and afterwards realising NONE of them actually came true?
Let me know in the comments!

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